April 29, 2007 - Africa as home 

In less than 24 hours we will be leaving the African continent, taking off from the ground of the Pearl of Africa, "leaving on a jet plane. I don't know when I'll be back again". :)

It's a strange mixture of emotions. A confusion of states of mind. I'm excited to go home, to see family and friends, to be again with Anthony, and my track team to cheer as they finish out their season. I'm ready to begin the after-process, the mental processing that, while it may begin here, while we may have been asked lots of hard and thought provoking questions yesterday during debriefing, really won't ever be completed, but much less even really begun until we get back into our "normal environment" and begin to see how the effects of this semester will affect our "everyday lives".

Thinking about how I will be in London again in just over a day, sometime tomorrow (!!) makes it feel like we were just there, but then that concerns me. It feels like we're gonna have a day in London, just like on the way here, but NOTHING is "just like on the way here", yet my mind still reverts to that when I'm not thinking… that worries me thinking about going home. It makes me wonder how different I really will be…? I know I am different. I am changed. God has taught me more than I ever thought possible in the past four months, (I can't believe it's already been four months!) but human nature tends to forget things sometimes… I don't even know how that would be possible this time, but I'm still human, and I still fear.

Also, trying to think of what to tell people when they ask about Africa, trying to even figure out where to begin! There are SO many experiences that memories will be triggered of throughout life for a long time to come I'm sure, but just sitting and trying to think of them on command it just seems so huge, too big to think about right now, before more of that processing is done! Yet another thing that was told us in debriefing was, "Don't be surprised if no one asks."

It's always harder when you're the one moving away than when your friend is moving. It's harder being the one in a new place than being the one left behind.
It's also hard being one who gets to go through a once in a lifetime opportunity and then come back and try to implement that into your everyday environment, when everyone else has remained there all along…

I know life goes on even when I'm not there, I know things amazing happen everywhere in the world, but going to Africa has been a dream of mine for over 8 years, (as close to a lifetime dream as you can get when you're only 20 years old!) and now that it is coming to a close, I wonder how the rest of my life really is going to be different… It has to be!

I hope so badly to be able to share some of those differences with you, with everyone that I meet! I wish so hard that God will allow me to truly change the rest of my life because of the experiences on this continent, in these four months, because He has changed me since I've been here…

In now less than 23 hours, our "jet plane" will be taking off from Entebbe airport. Our "Go-Ed Team Africa Spring 2007" will have already begun dissolving, as two of our girls are staying here longer while the rest of us head back home… Some of us have even begun to think of Africa as home… and then there are others of us who now have no idea where home really is, we just know that we're excited. About what? Not quite sure, but at the same time, so many things! Excited for the rest of life. Excited to know that things like Africa really can happen. Excited to know that in even one short semester such friends and connections can be made, and excited to see how so many things that have been begun will be carried out into the future…

April 27, 2007 - Rough time in Rwanda 

I will admit that I did have a rough time in Rwanda. Not only was it not Kigali but it was so removed from the people that I loved as well. I was pretty discouraged in Rwanda because I was
getting a lot of ignorant/discouraging/degrading comments about Africa
but when I came to Kampala I came home to my boys and found out that Muzungu is finally out of the hospital he is still in a lot of pain but he is doing well. ( He never loses his beautiful smile and told me how God uses instances like this to make him stronger so that next time he can cope. That he has not lost anything. That boy is amazing!) I also came back to find piles of my mail waiting in the office. There were boxes and boxes of toys/stickers/letters/toys for the kids. So many boxes that I was able to make
wonderful presents and goodie bags for the kids at another orphanage, give loads of cards and presents to the kids at New Hope, and another amazing oraganization. That night my friend had been so upset telling me that it kills her at the IDP center she is working at from the war in Gulu because there is such need but no resources how kids are sponsored to go to school but if they cannot buy paper and a pen then they cannot go and how there are hundrends that because of this cannot. In those boxes I had loads and loadsof extra- you guessed it, pens and paper. I want you to know that you all completely blew me away. To be honest I was quite positive that I could raise at least 800 cards and perhaps a little candy for each child, I had no idea that it would end up like this. You're generosity was so beautiful, you have helped and loved thousands of children. I have so many cards and stickers I am going to pray about one other group to give more gifts and cards to. I cannot thank you all enough. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!

April 23, 2007 - Reach out 

She was nine years old. She and her mother watched her baby brothers hacked to death by a machete. She was raped by a murderer. Her family ask God why he hates them so much. She is beautiful and the only Christian in her family. She can still see God through so much pain. April was the month of remembrance for the genocide. I hadn't seen her since I had last been in Kigali in March. She came and visited me today, it made me so happy that she came to see me. She is so dear to me.

"How is your family doing?"
"This month was very hard. My mom, she broke down, she could not handle
the grief, she is doing better, she is getting out of the hospital soon."
"I am so sorry."
"Things are hard for her... Please thank your parents again, for everything
they did and are doing for me. Please thank them again, they are such good
people. God will bless them for their kindness to me. I told my parents
they are helping me to go to school, that they are Christians and good people,
that God has helped our family. My parents said that perhaps God hadn't
completely abandoned us, that He did use good people to help our family.
Abby, you must thank them so much..."

You never, never know the power of love. The power of caring for someone, even if it someone that you have never met before. Everyone has a story, everyone hurts, everyone needs to be redeemed and
everyone needs to be loved. Reach out.

April 19th, 2007 - Not quite what I expected... 

I was told today we were going on a dental mission outreach trip to Mukono district, just east of Kampala about 35km. It was just going to be a 1-day excursion, where we returned in the afternoon, as Dr. Chapman (my supervisor and the head of the department) had a meeting at 3pm. So, the plan was to leave at 8am. I arrived just on time. That was the first surprise, which really shouldn't have been a surprise at all. I was one of the few people in the office, and the others going on the trip didn't arrive until at least 15 minutes later. The group was originally going to be a team of about 8-9 people, but that day, many canceled, and it ended up being only 4 of us going: Dr. Chapman, Eroni, a woman who volunteers, but can do better dentistry than most people I know, Gertrude, a woman who works in sterilization, and myself, a seasoned veteran in dental missions (not). Anyway, our ride didn't arrive until after 9am, and we didn't leave until 9:15. With the crazy traffic in Kampala, several "short cuts" on terrible roads full of potholes, and our random driver showing us the tent he is living in and doing a few magic tricks while he drove (instead of watching the road!), we made it to our destination at 11:30 or so. I prayed the whole way there, while the rest of them spoke in Luganda to each other. Well, when we arrived, we discovered that the people at the mission site thought we were coming in the afternoon, and they had nothing prepared for us. We had to leave by 1:00 to get back for this meeting of Dr. Chapman's, so we had to think quickly. It was a school on a church mission base, and so we tried to gather the children together as best as possible. There were about 230-250 kids, pretty rambunctious ones at that. Anyway, we had them all assembled and attentive by 12:15pm. We decided with our lack of time, the best thing to do was to teach them about oral health care, proper brushing techniques, and taking care of their teeth. I got to speak a little, and Eroni translated for me. We ended up purchasing about 240 toothbrushes and a lot of packages of toothpaste, and dispersing them to all of the children. They were so thrilled, and I definitely got some adorable pictures of those kids holding their toothbrushes proudly in the air! It was great.

Now, as we were on our way this morning, I was getting more and more disappointed with the way things were going. After all, I had come to Africa with hopes of doing dental missions for an entire month of practicum, and this was going to be my only chance at actually getting out in the field. Then, as things become less and less promising, my attitude got less and less positive. I caught myself complaining internally, thinking, "Why wasn't there better planning and communication? Why can't we just go and take care of these people?" I was selfishly hoping to get some hands-on experience as well, as most of my practicum has only been assisting the main dentists. I had to stop and do a reality check on my attitude. I had to step back and remind myself that God was in control of this situation, and this was all about bringing glory to Him, not myself. I swallowed my pride, and decided that I would do whatever job I was given, however big or little, and I would do it happily and humbly. It was about this time that we discovered we wouldn't be doing any dental work at all. It is funny how God works. Just when I decide it will be okay for me to do even a menial job like clean-up, then He switches gears and we don't even go in that direction at all! The funny thing is, this teaching "seminar" might actually be more effective in the long run than pulling some teeth anyway. Hopefully we planted seeds that will teach the kids the importance of taking care of their teeth, and also reminded them of God's love for them. It was beautiful. I was humbled. I had to shift my perspective and see that things won't always go as I expect, and that is just fine. It's not always easy for me to be flexible, especially when I think I have things "figured out". I am just praying that God continually takes the reigns of control, and teaches me more about trusting in His master plan instead of my silly little ideas of when and where things should happen.

I hope this story helps you to reflect on your own life. Are you trying to call your own shots, make your own plans, and tell God how YOU think things should go? Maybe it's time to step back and adjust your own lenses. Think about it. May God bless you and watch over you today. Pray for those who are struggling through pain, chaos, suffering, losses, and hard times. Spring always seems to be a stressful time of year, but things in the U.S. and here in Uganda are both a little crazier than usual. Remember to lift up in prayer those in need.

April 4, 2007 - Expressing myself 

There's a beautiful symphony of a monologue that is constantly flitting through my thoughts throughout my day here. When it comes to sitting down and actually writing it however my words always seems to slip through the pages as I try in vain to grasp so much as punctuation from my previous thoughts. Perhaps that is what pulls me towards art, it allows me to concretely express myself without the use of words.

I used to think that if I were to take pictures that they had to be the best. The fear of failing often kept me from trying at all. What I have discovered here though is that there is no best and even if there were it wouldn't matter, I am here to capture lives, to edify and serve people and not to gain recognition for myself. The more I have let go of my personal skill and accomplishment in photography the more God has blessed what others have been able to do with it.

***

Yesterday I sat on the back of a bodaboda listening to the huff if all my air getting unrepentantly exhaled in a particularly deep divot in the road and listening to my reverberating chuckle rattle throughout my helmet as I watched a huge bale of straw with ankles and tattered sandals stumble blindly down the road, little children try to collect to one too many mangoes in their small tattered shirts as fruit continued to tumble out the sides, and at the late, "Muzungu!" of recognition of my whiteness as people shouted to my back as they realized in hindsight who it was that had just passed by. Feeling the breeze whispering to me as it seeped in and out of my jacket and watching the majestic wonder of, "the land of a thousand hills" float by I struggled to reconcile within myself the beauty of this nation with the pain it has and continues to experience until floods of men and women in pink uniforms march on past and I would remember. There is so much more to this county than meets the eye. So much more.

So I spent the entire day resolutely hiding behind my camera, relating to entire communities with wide eyes and still lips. These next two and a half weeks will be spent hearing, experiencing, and sharing what I can with the click of my camera and to be honest I don't mind at all, I am actually quite looking forward to it.

Today I saw beauty, joy, and laughter from many in these poor communities but to say that ever household we visited was happy would not be completely. I vividly remember the second to last house that we visited. A widow of four years and her seven children lived in the one, small house. Living and health conditions were not good at all as we asked questions to access the situation and determine as to whether the children would be suitable for sponsorship. She was beautiful, strong, and God-fearing but that spark, that beautiful glitter of joy and hope that I have gotten so used to while being here, that beautiful spark in her eyes was just about gone.

Today is not a day of conclusions or summaries but merely a day to expand on all that we already know.

April 2, 2007 - Marsabit, Kenya 

Sometimes you just have to be out of your comfort zone and in the most bizarre of places to actually think clearly. Other times, these bizarre places just bring out the most bizarre. Keep that in mind as you read the following thoughts. Please don’t think of what you read as something crude- it’s more like, this was actual topics of conversations we had today. Conversations. It’s amazing the things that become important to discuss.

Accomplishment- what is it? I realized this a.m. that my sense of accomplishment has changed dramatically. It’s no longer what it used to be; the idea of “most-likely-to- succeed” from high school is totally different now.

For example, when you’re in a place like Marsabit- no, when you’re an American in a place like Marsabit- where my sense of accomplishment was crushed this morning when I realized that no, I cannot pee in a hole in the ground very well! The few times that I do, I’m happy with myself. The times when I can’t, I’m thoroughly disgusted. I now know why places like this always insist you kick off your shoes at the door and wear a different pair of sandals inside the house. I also know why these cultures tend to wear skirts- it’s so much easier to do in a skirt than in pants.

I can’t believe how cool and windy it is here. But cold and hot at the same time… dress in layers and carry a bag big enough to carry what you take off. Wrap your head to keep the dirt out and hide the greasy hair in. Wash your hands when you get the chance, because you never know if you will be forced to eat with your hands. Get used to tastes you don’t really like- like cow pea leaves. As much as our Marsabit friends insist it’s good, I can’t agree wholeheartedly. Drown them in the food you do like. Learn to like ugali, because you may have to eat it for 3 weeks- breakfast, lunch and dinner. Learn to ration your snacks, and deal with minor insults to your being- “What’s wrong with your face?” “It’s a sunburn!” (One of the security guys in Nairobi to one of my girls.) “Don’t you use any soap?” “Yeah…it’s right here…” (The cleaning lady in Marsabit to me as I washed my clothes.)

But, as I washed my clothes in a basin this morning and mourned the week’s damage to my favorite brown skirt, I thought again that I could live like this. I love the simplicity. I love being able to appreciate the sunshine and clean clothes after the work of washing them. I love not having to worry about toilets flushing (as a result of time in Masaka, Rwanda and Nairobi). When so much time and effort goes into one thing, the satisfaction is greater- the sense of accomplishment is greater. It’s worth it.

***

Yesterday we went with Loise to get some food for the week- all we had left was 3-day-old spaghetti (it’s a long story…). There was a ‘goat market’ on the street- just a herd of goats being sold. I saw the guy were Maasai. It was like the two worlds meeting, though, when a Maasai woman walked by- SO COOL! All the necklaces and head jewelry, wrapped up in the classic materials! It was all I could do not to stare, and even more funny was that she was staring right back at us! Further down the street were a few more women sitting along the road, with huge calabashes holding something…I wondered what thoughts were passing through their minds. It was so amazing!!!

***

(The sun is out and I’m taking full advantage of it- sitting in a chair under the clothes line with my skirt pulled above my knees and my shirtsleeves rolled up, blinking into the sun. Thank you, Lord, for heat! My white legs turn into stained orange feet, a result of 4 short days walking in Marsabit’s dust. I feel like the tan I was happy with a week ago has almost melted away- the disappointments of vanity!!

April 1, 2007 - Emails from the Mengo Boys 

Every single one of those boys changed my lives and getting these emails from Abbey and one of the older leader boys is a blessing I really dont deserve. They truly changed MY life and taught ME about loving unconditionally.

hullo Abby,

It's a pleasure 4 mi to write to you. How is you going in Rwanda hope every thing is okey. It was so wounder for us to share great moments of that kind it sounds like a blessings and indeed all blessings come from God for sure.I believe when we share such moments with people we fill relieve and loved by people other than being rejected inthe community and basically i thak all of you guys for such wounder full care and love you showed us and we really miss you , come what may with prayer from us to god for you, i believe you will be back for the same fun.
All in all pray so hard that every things that comes your way all goes well reguards to all Thanx.Form Junior.

Hi ,

I should write this email just to tell you how we feel
about you guys. You are such a blessing to our lives
the boys have memories of every thing you have done. I
have realized that you guys have made a difference in
our lives and this may be long lasting. Well you may
not understand how you have impacted our lives but it
is true.

I personally feel you have loved us unconditionally
thank you so much. I must admit that I miss you guys
and just have to pray that you come back so we can
meet again.

God Bless you.

Luv Abbey.